2015 Jaguar XF

"It might as well be saying “you’ll love driving me anywhere, regardless of the conditions."

The claws come out

You know, I wonder if the folks over at the English TV show Top Gear would consider having me on the show for an episode or two. I’m not English, but I think my English credentials speak for themselves:

I’m an avid watcher;
I’ve driven many a Jaguar, which is headquartered in Whitley, Coventry, England;
I have an aunt who lived in England for a few decades;
I have a Thomas the Tank Engine toy on my TV stand;
Hiding in a box somewhere in my house is my old Paddington Bear stuffed animal I had as a kid; and
I’ve seen Bend it like Beckham and Love Actually.
What would I do as a fleet of cameras followed my every move with the three lads—Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May—offering running commentary via an in-ear piece?

For starters, I could navigate the streets of London in the 2015 Jaguar XF 3.0 AWD (left-side or right-side drive) while only making left turns and listening to awful modern pop music. I could have three angry politicians arguing in the rear seat and a precariously full bucket of red wine occupying the front seat—so much so that anything other than a perfectly smooth drive would stain those gorgeous bond grain leather seats.

I’ve become quite fond of the Jaguar brand lately, and the XF is certainly a great choice for a luxury sedan, in my oh-so humble opinion. It’s jammed full of attention to detail, has head-turning looks, ample power and exudes fun; it might as well be saying “you’ll love driving me anywhere, regardless of the conditions.”

OK, so how would I get through the show with all these moving parts? Well, I know that the XF’s handling is fluid so I wouldn’t have to worry about over/under steering issues (my steady hands will also contribute a bit, if I do say so myself).

I know that the 340 horsepower supercharged engine would give me smooth power when I needed it and responsive and accurate acceleration at low speeds (to keep the wine intact, of course). The 19-inch Aquila alloy wheels don’t hurt, either. When reversing, the rear parking aid would reduce the amount of eye time I’d spend looking at where I’m going, and at those three cross politicians.

Sound-wise, I feel the 825-watt, 17-speaker Meridian Surround Sound System would find a way to make manufactured and horrid modern pop music miraculously sound less ear-piercing. I’d much rather have the sound of The Beatles flowing from such a powerful and clear system, but that wouldn’t be very challenging for the stereo, would it?

A seven-inch touchscreen with the optional navigation box checked off would guide my route—who needs to stop and ask for directions? I could even make it an international episode and navigate the wretched, mind-numbing congestion of Toronto streets.

So there you have it, Top Gear: my loose pitch to appear on your show. And I’d do it all in a Stig costume—how’s that for a twist?

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